Posted by: rainbowclovers | September 24, 2011

:'(

For lack of better words, the emoticon in my title should pretty much sum up how my week has been.

I really don’t even know how to start this entry. I was debating about whether I even wanted to post it. However, now that I’m already typing, I don’t think I want to stop until my story is done. I have two other drafts in my folders of issues I wanted to mention throughout the times I was inactive on WordPress. Those things seem so trivial to what I’m going to say now.

Is it cliche to say that “everything has changed” and “nothing will ever be the same”? I don’t even know how I want to describe this situation.

Suddenly all those times I wished my dad got slapped, those times I get a 50% on a test or quiz, those times my friends did me wrong seem all so stupid. Why get mad if I am still living and healthy?

It’s currently 4:17 P.M on a Saturday afternoon where I am.

My uncle (dad’s older brother) passed away on the morning of Monday, just a couple days earlier.

To clarify the situation, let me just mention a little background story. My deceased uncle, Uncle G, is the older brother of my father and my other uncle (dad’s younger brother). This just means that my dad is the middle child and the uncle who passed was the eldest. My dad’s younger brother, Uncle M, has one son who you would have guessed, is my cousin. He goes to the same high school that I do and he’s exactly one year younger than me (I’m a senior and he’s a Junior). My Uncle G lives with his wife, Aunt Y. Along with them, lives my Aunt Y’s stepsister (Auntie P), her husband, and their son (Little boy C). Uncle G and his wife were unable to have a child and as a result, Auntie P’s son became like a son to them. Auntie P’s mother used to live with them but because of family complications, she had moved out and lived on her own. However, every morning, she would come over and drop off Little Boy C at the bus stop and he would board the school bus to his middle school.

Since the recession a couple of years back, my dad had unfortunately lost his job. Our family’s money matters didn’t really matter much since my dad made a fairly decent living before he lost his job. It was only until two months ago that my dad figured he should probably go and look for a job again. There was only so much chores to do around the house, and he had just graduated from his second careers schooling. However, while he was unemployed, my cousin and I were fairly happy. This was because he drove us to school every morning and we didn’t have to take the public transit to school. His driving avoided many bus stops and we got to school faster and more comfortably. Here’s where my story really begins …

On Monday morning, my dad left the parking lot and drove out to where my cousin would be waiting to get on the car before we headed off to school. As soon as my cousin sat inside the car, my dad got a phone call. Because of the new driving laws, drivers were supposed to always wear a bluetooth or have their phone on speaker so they wouldn’t have to hold onto their phone while driving. Well, my dad had his phone on speaker. He picked up the phone, and you heard my mom crying on the other side. She said she just a phone call from Little Boy C’s grandma (who came to drop him off at the bus stop). The grandma had said that Uncle G passed away. Since we were only a one minute drive away, my father quickly rushed over to the building where my Uncle G lived. He told my cousin and I that we wouldn’t be going to school today. At that moment, I can honestly say that I didn’t believe my Uncle was dead. To be completely honest, my only thoughts were, “She’s probably just exaggerating and confused. She’s old and my uncle is probably just sleeping and she mistaken it for death. But yay! I get to miss school!” Thinking back, that thought was beyond immature.

We got off the car and rushed upstairs. When my dad opened the door, there were over 3 police standing inside the home. One was in the kitchen talking to Little Boy C. The grandma was in tears as she came screaming to my dad, “HE DIED! HE DIED!” My dad rushed into his brother’s bedroom but was stopped by the police who said he had to wait outside until matters were settled. My mom came running over soon after. Aunt Y, Auntie P, and Uncle M were notified shortly after and they all took days off their jobs to rush home. Everything had happened so fast that my cousin and I were pretty much speechless the whole time. Everyone was just nervous, anxious, and just wanted to see the body. After the chat with the police, Little Boy C came over to my cousin and I. His eyes were red and he was crying so hard. I guess it was difficult for him. He’s only in 7th grade and he had witnessed the actual passing of someone so close to him. He looked at my cousin and I and said, “Are you guys sad? You probably are. Uncle was always so nice to us. He helped us with so much. You guys should be sad.” It seems stupid now, but at that moment, I think myself and my cousin wanted to just punch him. Who are you to tell us to be sad? Who are you to tell us Uncle helped us a lot in life? We know all this. He’s actually OUR uncle. I know it wasn’t just me who thought this though. What it really was, was jealousy. I was kind of jealous that this boy, who has no blood relation to us, is so much closer to Uncle G than my cousin and I ever were. Our uncle probably loved him a lot more too. Now that the funeral is officially over, I guess I don’t mind as much anymore. Sure, I wish I was closer with him and my uncle loved us all more, but Little Boy C deserved the love and attention. He did actually live with my Uncle G for all his life. Yeah, he’s not as good in school as I am, and not as athletic and cool as my cousin, but he was still a just a kid like us.

Anyways, my dad drove us to school after a while. In all fairness, we weren’t much of use around there and we might as well have attended school. For that whole day, I was just a lot quieter. A part of me really wanted my friends to ask, “What’s wrong?” and show some care. The other part of me really just felt like I shouldn’t even laugh or have fun because of what happened. How could I be enjoying my day when my uncle just passed?

Uncle M drove me home after school and that was pretty much the end of it … until yesterday night.

The week went by fairly fast. I failed all my quizzes and tests and I was just off point for everything. But that’s not the point of this post …

Last night, after school, my mom and dad drove my cousin and I to the funeral home. We got there around 4:30 P.M and helped set up. Well, the adults were setting up and my cousin and I just sat and talked.

Have you ever seen a family member in a coffin at the front of a room of chairs? I haven’t until last night. I won’t lie though … I was scared. My stupidity kicked in and a part of me was really still thinking, “This is all a joke. Uncle G will be here soon and we’re all going to attend this event.” I kept thinking it was all just a big prank and my uncle will wake up from his sleep, get his ass out of the coffin, and shout out, “JUST KIDDING, GUYS!”

Yeah, he didn’t.

When my mom, my dad, my cousin, and I walked up next to the coffin, I was scared. I was scared I’d see him breathing. I was scared he’ll start moving. I was scared I was going to get nightmares that night and I was just lost. Because of the makeup, his face looked grayish with a small hint of purple. He was in a nice tuxedo with his hands across his stomach. I wasn’t going to cry. I told myself that I wasn’t going to cry. Why?

I’ll be honest. I’m not that close with my Uncle G. On a scale of 1-10, I’d say our closeness was around a 6-7? Don’t get me wrong, I can tell him a lot of things. I wasn’t afraid to tell my uncle that my dad was a douche, I wasn’t afraid to complain about school either. We could talk. What I know my Uncle G as is “that uncle that fixes my computer.” Whenever my internet is down, my computer gets a virus, or anything goes wrong with my stupid computer, Uncle G came over to fix it. He taught me so many times how to do things myself, but I always relied on him being there to do it for me. Well, that was stupid. I used to always get annoyed when my Uncle G would tell me to go lose weight, or when he kept nagging me to do things. However, when it comes down to it at the end of the day, he was a good guy. He let me used his Paypal account to buy shirts I wanted. He always stood on my side whenever I was in a fight or situation with someone else. I mean, what other uncle is going to look at me for 17 years, and then randomly ask me, “Dude, why did you shave half your eyebrows?” when my eyebrows have never changed. I guess the reason we weren’t as close is because I only talked to him when I needed help with homework, with computer fixing, or when we get together for family dinners.

Anyways, I was able to hold my tears in for a large portion of last night. My cousin and I, along with Aunt Y and Little Boy C stood by each other as guests came in to bow and say their farewells. I got to say, my Uncle is a popular man. A lot of guests came in to pay their respects and my Uncle M, Aunt Y, Aunt P, her husband, and my dad made sure to thank each guest. In the middle of the event, my cousin and I went up to my mom and complained. We felt we weren’t even needed. We were standing by Aunt Y as guests came in, but all the guests just skipped by us and went straight to hugging Little Boy C. Jealousy. Again. Mom told us to just ignore it and the fact that we were there was enough and that we shouldn’t mind if others didn’t know who we were.

The visiting time ranged from 4:30 to 8:30. I managed to hold my tears in for four hours. I guess there really wasn’t much to hold in though. My Uncle and I weren’t that close so even though tears kept coming up in my eyes, they never really rolled down my face. It was like this until 8:45. All the guests left, and my parents decided to tell me to walk over and say one last goodbye. Then I cried. A part of me cried because I was sad my Uncle had passed, but the biggest reason behind my tears was because my dad was crying. My dad is rude, blunt, and his words are just hurtful sometimes. He never cries and he believes that no human needs friends. Despite all this, I can say my dad is loyal, respectful, and really loves and cares for his family. To see such a strong man cry, made me cry. Even though he was speaking to is brother in a different dialect, I still heard some words. Something along the lines of, “Big brother, it’s okay. Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. Take care. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Typing this just makes me cry. The fact that my dad would spend hours at home ranting about how my Uncle G was too nice and easily fooled, he was still a good brother. I hated hearing my dad whimpering, hear him sniffling … it made me highly uncomfortable and I guess I kinda broke down too.

We got home around 9:30 last night. I slept around midnight.

This morning, we reached the funeral home at 8:45 A.M. There was one last visiting time for guests before the coffin was moved to the cemetery. I held it together for pretty much the whole time. I guess part of the reason was because my stomach was hurting like crazy and I just couldn’t focus on anything else. Towards the end, all family members said their last farewells and other guests bowed and hugged my aunt as they walked by all of us and told us that they were sorry for our loss and hope us all the best. I cried here. This time it wasn’t because of my dad but because of my Aunt Y. Earlier on, she had dropped down to her knees in front of the coffin, crying her heart out. She was screaming at my Uncle.

“Why did you leave me all alone?!”
“Our 20th anniversary is coming up soon! We haven’t even been married for 20 years!”

Now she was bawling and it was the last time she could see her husband before the coffin was to be closed.

Anyways, everyone left and we all met again at the burial site.

What was I thinking?

It’s sad that the only time our family is so close, so together, is because someone died. Aunts flew in from another country, and others drove a couple hours just to be here. Feuds are everywhere in my family. She can’t get along with her. She spread rumours about them, and it’s all just a big mess.

I’ve seen people dressed in black and white at the cemetery before. That was all in dramas though. This was the first time I ever attended one. I guess almost everyone teared up a bit, but my Aunt Y broke down. Again. She was kneeling in the grass, with many people around her. Let me tell you something about my Aunt Y. She’s scary. She isn’t afraid to cuss of strangers, give people a dirty look, and scream at anyone who crosses her. To see her cry is the same as seeing my dad cry. They were both so mentally strong that seeing them with tears rolling down their face is just so shocking.

That’s pretty much it.

The funeral home itself was beautiful. I remember walking in yesterday and thinking, “For such a sad place, this funeral home is gorgeous!” Everything was really nice and it was great that so many people could home.

As for me, I’m … better. Like I said, I cried because my heart just ached at the sight of my father and aunt cry. Sure, I’m sad, but I’ll be over it soon.

But I know that when I get a virus again and when I’m in desperate need of computer fixing, I’ll probably think back to what happened yesterday and today and just break down.

😦

Edit: It was said that this post has 2,666 words. The number didn’t seem right, so …

Here’s to say: I hope you’re in a better place now!

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Responses

  1. I think what you are feeling is completely appropriate given the circumstances. Don’t be hard on yourself for not concentrating in school. Take some time to grieve. Interesting about the words. Did you know 666 is a good luck number in China? Just like the color red.

    • It is? I didn’t know. I always assumed the number 8 was the lucky number, haha.

      • 8 is a lucky number as well. 8 8 8 is like fa fa fa which means get rich get rich get rich


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