Posted by: rainbowclovers | October 10, 2011

All my rage.

Recently, things have just been pissing me off.

Whether it’s been school or my parents, or just the stress of both of them put together, I just feel the need to smash heads into bricks.

Let’s start off with school.

A while back, I got a 38% on my math test which I’m obviously not proud about. I started off my first quiz with a 51%, a test with 38%, and another quiz with 63%. Last year, I managed to start off my math quizzes with 97%, a test with 83%, and another quiz with 95%. I mean, I’m not tooting my own horn, but my math skills were never that bad before I was hit in the face with shitty math grades starting in sophomore year. Junior year’s math class was good and now that I’m a senior again, my math sucks again. Partially, I guess, is my fault for not studying hard enough. However, I really though that doing all my math homework and practices while cramming so hard would at least get me a decent grade of 75%. Another reason is probably due to the fact that my math teacher is the hardest math teacher in the department. Her teaching is great and all, but her tests are killer. Anyways, when I found out that I got that 38%, I freaked out. My first instinct wasn’t even, “oh shoot, I’ll never make it into university!” My first thought was, “oh god, how do I tell my mom? She’ll be so disappointed.” Well, she was disappointed, to say the least. I came home to a loving mother who questioned my intellect and then told me I’m a failure who will never make it into any university. I’m lazy, irresponsible, and I’ll be sitting back in high school as I watch my friends go off into Waterloo and other famous universities or colleges. That didn’t hurt though. I’m used to her and my dad insulting me like that. What pissed me off was her ignoring my existence for five days as if I actually did something terribly wrong to offend her. Well, what do you want me to apologize for? The fact that I tried hard but still did bad? The fact that I didn’t live up to your damn expectations? The fact that I just to happen to have a witch for my math teacher? After five days of ignoring me, she suddenly decided to have a random screaming outburst at me during dinner telling me to drink more soup. WHAT THE HELL? Then, she goes on ignoring me for a couple more days.

School is pissing me off too. I feel that if I start on it, I’ll go into even more of an all-out rage. Let’s just say my grades are crap and I can’t seem to boost them up to the mark I want.

Now, what’s pissing me off at this moment is my dad. Basically, my mom is very weak in terms of her health. She gets sick easily, and any little thing can make her throw up, have stomach pains, and cause her to take pills. Usually though, when it comes down to it, the “problem” isn’t even a problem because it’s never something serious. Recently though, she had kidney stones but it’s fine now. However, this morning, she woke up feeling dizzy and started vomiting. Don’t get me wrong, I mean.. obviously I’m concerned for her. I wouldn’t want my mom going anywhere. However, what pisses me off is how anxious my dad gets when my mom is ill. I mean, they’ve been married for almost 20 years. It’s not uncommon that she gets sick like this. What she needs now is to rest, drink water, and sleep. My dad is panicking like there’s no tomorrow and he’s getting frustrated by everything. Him getting frustrated with me gets me frustrated with the situation since it’s clearly not a big deal. While I’m here doing my biology report, my mom is in the other room saying things like, “If you’re hungry, just — ..” and “There might be some food in the — ..” So in response, I say, “I can’t hear you.” What I was trying to get at was, “It’s okay mom. I’m not hungry, just rest and leave me alone.” My dad, who hears me talking from downstairs, starts screaming at me with, “Why are you so fucking stupid? If you can’t fucking hear mom, walk the fuck over to her room.” NO DAD, NO. I have my own ways of approaching this. I was trying to get mom to stop talking and sleep. I don’t want to walk over just for her to repeat herself for the 10th time and have me just walk out with useless information. Do you think that if mom was saying something like, “Get me my sweater — ..” or “Help me — ..” that I would IGNORE HER? Obviously if I find it important, I would go over and help her.

It pisses me off that my dad feels the need to cuss me off just to tell me that I should listen to mom. No dad, you don’t need to be an ignorant asshole. I know very well that I should respect her. I know that if she needs help, I’ go over. But right now, she needs to rest and I don’t need you to tell me how I should act when she’s just telling me stupid things.

Every damn day, my dad seems to find a way to be creative and piss the fuck out of me.

I hope they know that my reason for wanting to go to a university far away from home is mostly because I want to be away from the constant screaming, constant criticizing, and constant stupidity.

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Responses

  1. Your dad is simply worried about your mom. That said, I can def. see why it would be upsetting to be yelled at for no reason! I do hope that by writing this rant you have felt a release of tension. Hopefully with some time ppl will cool off. Not much longer now before you can be away from all this mess! I aslo suspect that the recent loss of a family member has a lot to do with how things are. Hang in there! *hugs*


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